Here I am at work again, same as everyday. But today is a little different, you see, I'm pretty buzzed right now. Its not the good kind of buzzed either, its the 1/2 tipsy 1/2 hungover kind of drunk. The worst kind. If your totally drunk you know you can't go into work, if your totally hungover you know you can't go into work, but if your half and half you think to yourself your just OK enough. So I was supposed to be here at 8am and I got here 5 til 10. My boss is a cool guy, he didn't care that I was late and I was able to hide the fact that I really needed some cool water to drink and a cool quite place to lay down for a while. The fact that I have no AC in my office is not helping, and the closest water cooler is on the 3rd floor and as my luck goes its out of cups. It figures..... So I currently have my head leaning against the wire cage of a small fan thats on my desk and am typing this message.
I guess I should start explaining the title now and explain why I am the way I am on a Tuesday. It all started on the forth of July. After having a few drinks at my apartment to celebrate, myself and 3 of my friends walked downtown (I only live 2 blocks from downtown) to see some fireworks and head out to a few night clubs. After we were done with that, tired and tipsy, we started to head back to my apartment to sleep it off. We were walking down the sidewalk, it was especially hot and humid and the streets were still backed up with cars. I stopped to take off my shirt because of the heat and as soon as I slipped it over my head I made a great discovery while looking at the ground. There, next to the sidewalk, laid a 25mph street sign with pole attached. It had been hit by a big freight truck no doubt because I had seen one pulled up on the sidewalk there before, unloading his cargo. I told my friends to hold up as I knelt down to look at the sign. A normal person would have taken the screws out and removed the sign from its post, robbing it of its dignity and hung it on his bedroom wall. I had greater plans for such a diamond in the rough. I yelled out to one of my friends, "Yo C-Dog! Smell any bacon down there?" He yelled back "None boss!" I looked the other way towards Scooter and before I could say anything he yelled out "Clear!" So with my shirt in my back pocket I hoisted the sign up on my shoulder, yelled out, "It's mine now b****es!" and took off running. I had to take the long way home so I wouldn't attract any unwanted attention to myself. Passed a few crack houses, a couple homeless people, dodged one porkchop and I was back at my complex. One of my neighbors was still out on his backpoarch drinking and laughing as he saw my holding the sign. If you guys think I have a drinking problem, you should meet this guy. He has to drink at least a 6 pack a day as opposed to my 1 day a week drinking fiascos.
Sorry, I had to step out for a sec and get me a frappaccinno from the store accross the street. I swear this drink was designed for people who have hangovers, its cool, caffinated and not carbonated. OK back to the story...
We placed the sign on my backpoarch in the corner so the cops that frequent our parking lot can't see it but anyone who walks in the front door can. We sat there on the backpoarch admiring our trophy, drinking a little bit and I was calling this girl whose phone number I had scored that night. She didn't answer. Big shock there. It was at that time C-Dog came up with the best plan I think I have ever heard of. "Yo man, you know what you should do? You could sell this stuff on eBay! But not the sign, you could get in some deep <b>Shazbot</b> for that." I interupted, "Hell no I'm not gonna sell the sign! Thats my pride and joy! When we move this sign is coming with, you know what I'm saying?" Aparently when I drink I talk like a gangsta, thats why Scooter calls me O.G. Mike. Scooter cut in, "Yeah man! Holy <b>Shazbot</b>! Thats a great idea! Stuff like hubcaps and mufflers....I bet we could make a couple hundred bucks a month even if we only made one night raid!" Scooter's girlfriend then started to lecture us on how we could go to jail and all that stuff. We didn't really listen to her. We got tired, C-Dog went home (he doesn't drink so he was cool to drive. DRUNK DRIVING IS VERY BAD!) I watched some TV then I too called it a night.
This has turned out to be quite a long story...
July 17th, Sunday, 9pm I'm sitting at home watching TV when Scooter walks in the front door. He's got a big stupid smile on his face. I shake his hand with our traditional fraternal handshake and say "What you smiling bout? You get laid at work? C-Dog put out for you or something?" They work together. Scooter replied half laughing "Man! <b>freak</b> you! I had some good news but now I'm not gonna tell you!" After he sat down he eventually told me the good news.
"I found it!"
"Found what?"
"Our next target."
"Target? What the hell are you talking about? We ain't no damn assassins."
"No man, our eBay target. As I was driving down Patton Avenue I saw almost a whole bumper laying on the side of the road! Its silver and only about a block and a half from here. Dude tonight we can so go get it, we'll wait til bout 3 and...."
I interupted, "Woah woah woah Homey. We can't do that tonight, it's Sunday. I don't mind pissing off a few cops, but not God. Besides, we gotta keep with tradition, we were hammered when we stole the sign so we have to be with all our raids. And you know how I feel bout drinking on Sundays, only catholics can get away with that <b>Shazbot</b>. Sorry Lord I did not mean to say <b>Shazbot</b>" I said while looking up at the cieling. "Your girl is not coming back til Wednesday, right?" Scooter replied, "Yeah and I'm off all day tomorrow so we'll get it then."
"Do you think we should call C-Dog and ask him to join us? It might be heavy."
"<b>Shazbot</b> we don't have to invite him over he practically lives here. We should start charging him rent if it wasn't for all those cool movies he brings over. Plus I don't think that bumper will weigh more then twenty pounds. Its fiberglass."
"Oh I thought it was a chrome bumper. You reckon we'll make enough money on it?"
"Lets face it, somewhere there are guys just like us, only with money. If we post a story on how we got drunk and picked it up on the side of the road they will definately pay big bucks for it."
"I hear ya! By the way, I see C-Dog's truck is down there so (hear knock at door) ah never mind. Come in!"
C-Dog walks in carryin a stack of DVDs. "I brought Friday Night Lights, the Village, and Kids" I looked at the cover and said "Whats Kids?" He said, "Its pretty <b>freaked</b> up dude. Its about these kids taking all this drugs and sleeping around a lot, some of them aren't even old enough to be in highschool." I said jokingly "Oh so they made a documentary about me?"
"Man you won't be saying that after you watch it."
"Then lets watch Friday Night Lights tonight and Kids tomorrow but right now I got a business proposition for you bro..."
August 18th 11:30pm, last night. Scooter is changing into his 'spy' clothes and explains "Wear something dark man." I look at him and say "Man I'm gonna go straight up ninja in this <b>biznatch</b>! Now come on we gotta have some shots, we got brandy and whisky lets have some of both." Thats where my memory starts to fade. I remember taking multiple shots, I remember putting on my ninja outfit which consisted of my famous afro, a bandana around my face like a western bank robber, and a shirt that read '<b>freak</b> the police.' There was something to do with a security guard. I remember falling down and C-Dog helping me up saying "Come on man we gotta run!" I don't know who carried the bumper, it might have even been me. All I know is I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror trying to recall what all went on last night. Then I looked in the kitchen and there it sat, the bumper, the trophy, the fruits of my liver destruction.
I will try to get some pictures of it and the sign up on here tonight. Also I will let you guys know when it officially hits eBay.
My eBay
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SpikedCoffey
- Ballin' on a Budget
- Posts: 871
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:38 am
- Location: Ash-Town, North Carolina
- Contact:
My eBay
Last edited by SpikedCoffey on Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I rode a tank and held a generals rank,
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
-
SpikedCoffey
- Ballin' on a Budget
- Posts: 871
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:38 am
- Location: Ash-Town, North Carolina
- Contact:
you guys are just school in the summer time
I rode a tank and held a generals rank,
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
=Squees' gold star! 
lol cnt wait to see it on ebay
-
SpikedCoffey
- Ballin' on a Budget
- Posts: 871
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:38 am
- Location: Ash-Town, North Carolina
- Contact:
I rode a tank and held a generals rank,
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
-
SpikedCoffey
- Ballin' on a Budget
- Posts: 871
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2004 8:38 am
- Location: Ash-Town, North Carolina
- Contact:
ah ha! see bobo already knows my plan. I mean come on people, someone paid a lot a money on a peanut that kinda looked like ET (the alien). So you know they will shell out big bucks for a bumper stolen by as bunch of drunk college guys.
I rode a tank and held a generals rank,
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
When the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.
I shouted out 'Who killed the Kennedys?'
When after all it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, Im a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reached bombay.
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name.
But whats puzzling you is the nature of my game.
yeah i saw a watch that was "as seen in other auction" (which btw was also just as stupid) sell for 14k
Compare your life to mine then kill yourself. The dumber people think you are the more surprised they are when you kill them. There are no problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of explosives. apple shaped like a butt=500 bucks. advertising on some1's heel..... FIFTEEN GRAND. idiots. who is going to see ur heel
Compare your life to mine then kill yourself. The dumber people think you are the more surprised they are when you kill them. There are no problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of explosives.